Afraid

Doing that which I am not qualified to do. This is an awful thing to be afraid of because it inhibits you so much you don't stretch and grow. It is also inhibiting even when you are qualified because you might prove yourself to be unqualified. For example; I got married when I was 19. Definitely unqualified to be a wife, but I was too young to know that so I was undaunted. Church callings were my real undoing. My first calling was to be the primary chorister. I should have been qualified, I could sing and I attended Primary so I was well mentored. I made my thermometer chart for singing loudly or softly, colored some pictures for visual aids, and off I went. One problem. I was shy. I can't project, and my mouth and limbs don't seem to work right when I am nervous. I know they were children and loving adults, but I couldn't get this information to calm my brain. I awkwardly stumbled my way through the calling for several weeks and then much to my relief we moved.

My next calling was a joint calling with Don. Marriage and Family life. I had been married less than a year. Definitely unqualified! With Don by my side and a manual in had we taught. I'm not sure we enlightened anyone but we showed up and taught.

Pregnant and still young we moved to California and the boundaries of the San Diego 13th ward. I don't know where bishops get their information but the put me in the Relief Society as a teacher! Let me remind you at this juncture that I am shy, awkward, and unexperienced. The worst Sunday in that ward was when they asked me to substitute for Gospel Doctrine. I think Don told them yes because I can't imagine I would have agreed. What I wouldn't have given for the internet.

Am I still afraid to teach; not totally.

Am I still afraid of things I'm not qualified for - Definitely.

However, time, experience, and knowledge have suppressed the all our sickening panic I might have once felt. Now it's just quiet dread and a little anxiety, and still sometimes shy.

Homes

I went to a writing class and the assignment was to list all of the homes you have lived in and then write about one of them. I have lived in 17 homes and chose to write about my second home in Layton, Utah. We moved to Layton when I was 4. It was a bit of a traumatic move because I had to go to a babysitter that I didn't know. I think my neighbors in Nyssa babysat me on occasion but now my mother was working full time and school hadn't started yet. The house was a single level red brick home with a basement. The boys slept in the basement on bunk beds and the girls were on the main level. I don't think I spent much time in my room because I don't remember anything about it. My favorite rooms were the living room and the kitchen. The living room housed the TV! We would all gather around at the appointed hour to watch the Wonderful World of Disney and Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom with Marlin Perkins. Mom would pop popcorn and/or make fudge for us to snack on while we watched our shows. When the television wasn't on I still liked being in the living room because it had very accessible floor vents that I could sit on in the winter to keep warm. I would squat down and spread my dress over the vent and it would fill up, like a hot air balloon, with warm air.

My other favorite room was the kitchen. It was the hub of activity and with 11 people living in the house there was a lot of activity! I remember early mornings, watching my mother make lunches for her crew. 22 slices of bread spread out on the counter to make 11 sandwiches. She often forgot that I didn't like butter on my bread, but who could blame her. I always wanted P&J or tuna with pickles. How did she manage to grant all of our request? The breakfast treat that she treated us with the most was toasted homemade rolls. She would split the rolls leftover from the day before, spread them out on a pan, and put them in the oven that was set to broil. Since I loved sitting by the warm open oven door my job was to watch the rolls to make sure they didn't burn.

The other room I remember vividly was the laundry area in the basement. My mother did a lot of cooking and a lot of laundry and I think I must have been her little shadow because I remember these two rooms so well. One summer we had wasp in the basement and one stung my eye. I was terrified to go down there again, but it probably didn't take long before I did as it was a great way to escape the summer heat. the laundry had to be hung out of the clothes line so up the stairs we would tromp to hang out the clothes. My job was to hand Mom the clothes pins, which she didn't really need me to do because she had big pockets on her apron. When I got tired of laundry I would play in my mothers vegetable garden poking at the mud, inspecting the plants, and looking for bugs. Oddly enough the front stoop was another favorite spot. It was shady in the afternoon, you could watch the cars and people passing by, and it had 2 steps going up to it so it made a wonderful stage for my sister and I to play on. We moved to Arizona when I was 7, but I grew fond of that home in those 3 short years.