Afraid

Doing that which I am not qualified to do. This is an awful thing to be afraid of because it inhibits you so much you don't stretch and grow. It is also inhibiting even when you are qualified because you might prove yourself to be unqualified. For example; I got married when I was 19. Definitely unqualified to be a wife, but I was too young to know that so I was undaunted. Church callings were my real undoing. My first calling was to be the primary chorister. I should have been qualified, I could sing and I attended Primary so I was well mentored. I made my thermometer chart for singing loudly or softly, colored some pictures for visual aids, and off I went. One problem. I was shy. I can't project, and my mouth and limbs don't seem to work right when I am nervous. I know they were children and loving adults, but I couldn't get this information to calm my brain. I awkwardly stumbled my way through the calling for several weeks and then much to my relief we moved.

My next calling was a joint calling with Don. Marriage and Family life. I had been married less than a year. Definitely unqualified! With Don by my side and a manual in had we taught. I'm not sure we enlightened anyone but we showed up and taught.

Pregnant and still young we moved to California and the boundaries of the San Diego 13th ward. I don't know where bishops get their information but the put me in the Relief Society as a teacher! Let me remind you at this juncture that I am shy, awkward, and unexperienced. The worst Sunday in that ward was when they asked me to substitute for Gospel Doctrine. I think Don told them yes because I can't imagine I would have agreed. What I wouldn't have given for the internet.

Am I still afraid to teach; not totally.

Am I still afraid of things I'm not qualified for - Definitely.

However, time, experience, and knowledge have suppressed the all our sickening panic I might have once felt. Now it's just quiet dread and a little anxiety, and still sometimes shy.